This week was my first time meeting the rest of my cohort. A few days prior I was reading all of the other intern’s biographies and it made me feel anxious, that I did not deserve to be on that “meet the interns” page. This feeling is commonly known as Imposter Syndrome, and according to Cambridge Dictionary it means, “the feeling that your achievements are not real or that you do not deserve praise or success.”
In my experience, I think that how I feel imposter syndrome comes from my cultural background as a second generation Asian American. We were taught that we had high expectations of us, and that as the first fruits of our parents' labors after immigrating, we ought to not throw away the chance we had at a stable life in the US. There is also pressure coming from the model minority myth, where there is an expectation of being the best at everything because I am Asian. The model minority myth also has an emphasis on humility where a list of achievements are accompanied with the words, “It isn’t much, I could have done better.” Coming from a sociology background makes it easy to break down these concepts, where the model minority myth is indeed a myth stemming from racist ideologies, and that intergenerational pressures comes from “immigrant optimism” which itself boils down to meritocratic values. However, like most things in sociology, knowing the problem and overcoming it are two different things.
The paradox that comes with imposter syndrome is that we know we worked hard to get where we are, but we still believe that our efforts are “less than.” The ideas that I have to make my family proud, that I have to be perfect, and I have to be humble are all created internally to make unattainable goals that imprisoned me to believe that I am “less than.” During my time at orientation week from the 13th-17th where we played games, and learned together about what leadership meant, it helped me get over my anxieties. Getting to know the other interns helped me realize that they are down to earth and relatable. I was able to interact with my peers as peers instead of images on a page accompanied with a list of accomplishments. Two experiences I had this week helped me come to terms with imposter syndrome: walking around the area near the CAUSE office, and playing the party game Mafia with them.
As an LA native, I was quite familiar with the area around the CAUSE office, knowing every shop or cafe that we could visit during downtime. I showed the other interns around the area, but I was told by another member of the cohort that “I walk too fast.” Although it was a reminder to slow down, it came with a connotation that I was used to the area and that everyone else was still new. As my footsteps through the area I call home idled, I remembered that my knowledge was advantageous. I was able to be a resource to the rest of the cohort by being able to show the other interns around, using my experience as a native to make myself feel confident in my abilities.
During the Intern retreat, we spent an evening of downtime playing Mafia, which is a story driven party game. The game requires a narrator which acts as a story-teller that adds drama while mediating the game. Because I have played and hosted Mafia games before, I volunteered to be the narrator. It allowed me to use my skills as a poet to make a compelling story on the spot, depicting cruel villainous acts contrasted with daring heroism. Being able to see the excitement and watching the other interns immerse themselves in the game made me feel confident in my craft. While many others come from a more academic background, I was able to use my art background to make others happy.
My time at CAUSE has already taught me a valuable lesson: to be more confident in myself and what I know. Although these two events were not formally part of orientation, it afforded me the chance to meet the other interns in spaces I knew and in ways that I was comfortable with. Overcoming imposter syndrome to me was getting the chance to meet others equally while not being afraid to express myself in ways I know how.
I never pose like that in public, but growing to be comfortable with who I am around people makes me sillier.